Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am solely responsible for the myth of the lazy stay-at-home-mom. Yes, me. It’s all my fault that your douche bag husbands/significant others think you’re lazy and incompetent. Blame me. It’s all me, people! ALL ME.
You can thank my lovely reader, Paula, for exposing the truth. Send her fan mail, people. She has the mental fortitude and investigative skills of an FBI agent. Truly. See:
As Paula accurately pointed out, I am the reason SAHMs everywhere get a bad rep. Me, with my fancy college degree, drinking coffee and writing snarky blog posts that men do not read. Paula nailed it as she described her subservient behavior (did I really need to know you are regularly on your knees? Excuse me while I vomit the dinner I may or may not have made), followed by the breathtaking, painfully accurate statement: “most women don’t suck as bad as you and lie about what they do all day long”. I mean, clearly, you are so busy doing things, Paula, that you have time to write an angry comment defending your life’s achievements (what were they again? Oh, yes, blow jobs).
Paula is a beacon for all SAHMs. A light in the dark, her passionate defense of the SAHM has completely changed my way of living. Now, I have the confidence to throw away my education, say ta-ta to my sense of humor, and take my role as a homemaker seriously. Thank you, Paula! You’ve given me the freedom to revert back to the 1950s ideal. Where do I pick up my ironing board?
Because, you see, prior to reading your comment, I did not realize that by staying at home with my son, the most logical division of household responsibilities would be for me to actually do things. Also, I did not know that I should be giving my husband daily foot massages, back rubs, and blow jobs. Bravo, Paula! Bravo! You win mother of the year for being a glorified prostitute. Misogynists everywhere sing your praises! Glory be to Paula, most generous giver of fellatio!
I’m going to be serious for a minute, Paula. And you’re not going to like what you read. But, guess what? I’m going to write it:
Dearest Paula, you are the reason SAHMs get a bad name. You have no sense of humor, and your comment reeks of jealousy, incompetence, and stress. I would hate to be you. It’s as if you’ve lost sight of the rest of the world – and not because you are wrapped up in loving and caring for your family. You’ve lost sight of reality because you are incredibly depressed and unsatisfied. You’re begging for respect from a stranger on the Internet. You have no respect for yourself. You have no confidence in your role. You, Paula, are the reason SAHMs get a reputation for being annoying, uneducated, and un-fun. You’re a frumpy, grumpy asshole. And most moms aren’t like you.
Most moms are down to earth. Most moms are funny and bright. Most importantly, most moms are human. And they need to know that it’s okay to take a break. The world will not end if the dishes are not done or if takeout is what’s for dinner. The world will not end if you choose sanity over sanitization. The world will not end if your husband has to masturbate in the shower because you’re too damned tired from actually doing shit all day that the idea of giving your husband a blow job is just not an option (and, please, when on earth did you become okay with BJs being on your list of to dos, Paula? SERIOUSLY. You’ve even sucked the fun out of sex, whacko).
I’m not going to stop writing satirical or serious blog posts about issues that confront moms. And if you read any disrespect into my words, that’s your own problem. But it’s not my intention.
My mom was a SAHM for my entire life. She had three children and a husband, much like Paula. And I have the utmost respect for my mom and the sacrifices she made to make sure we all had everything we needed at all times. In retrospect, I feel horrible for ever criticizing her about forgetting to buy groceries or making chicken four times in the same week. Every day, she went above and beyond for me, my brother, my sister, and my father. If I can be half the mom she is, my family will be more than taken care of – they will be loved. Cherished. Happy. And well-fed.
The reason I feel so passionate about this subject is because I saw my mom struggle. I saw my mom stress out. I saw my mom flounder under the weight of every responsibility. To this day, my mother will not go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink. She is a machine.
But, honestly, I want to tell my mom thank you. And I want her to know that while I appreciate every single thing she’s ever done for me, she could have taken some time to relax. While I remember the spotless kitchen in jest, the memories I truly cherish are the ones when my mom said fuck it (and, although she would not approve of that language, it’s the goddamned truth. See what I did there?). I remember stupid, little things like dancing with my mom and my brother in our living room to a Billy Joel cassette. The song was Running on Ice. I was 5 years old. The smile on my mom’s face and her laughter are what I’ll remember forever. Not the state of the laundry.
So, ladies, calm down. Relax. Enjoy your life. In a blink, your little ones will be moved out, married, and starting their own families. Cherish what you have right now. Live in the moment. Because this moment is all you really have, anyway. The rest is history.
The epic post that snowballed it all: Top 10 Most Underrated Things About Being a Stay at Home Parent